I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
You Might Also Like
This probably isn’t good
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!