Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.