I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Attacked by a mop.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?