I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat