I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand