[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]