When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
(Gaming support cat.)
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment