I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
just having fun
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia