4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Happy Caturday!
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
And bowling should be called pinball
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.