*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My inexpensive home security system…
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents