ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
tourist season
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family