“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.