If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu