new wife guy just dropped
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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.