I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
This is my brand.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.