It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
bout dat hot dog summer
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.