Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.