Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Optional boss fight.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?