Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?