I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider