do horses think humans are hats
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore