went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet