Yes, this is exactly right
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Today’s Times
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
This is my favorite one of these!
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
fair
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.