you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.