The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
asked my bf how work was today
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
dutch is not a serious language