Ok, but like, how married are you?
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Every work call, he judges.