Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.