I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I just tested negative for patience.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one