I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano