I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You Might Also Like
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.