*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,