I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Something Saturday.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.