I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
When I snag the last meatball.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*