[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
You Might Also Like
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.