[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle