Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
You Might Also Like
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
wut hotdog?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Yup!
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.