Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Great acting.. 😂
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.