So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
me, after any kind of buffet.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Try and stop me.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross