Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Holy moly
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.