[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.