A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
3% human
97% stress
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
thank god
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “