Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
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Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
no regrets
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator