I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.