[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
A man of commitment.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Does your wife know you’re single?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.