ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That鈥檚 cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Sorry we can鈥檛 be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My friend鈥檚 band is called Duvet.
It鈥檚 a cover band.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
nurse: she鈥檚 dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
This is me 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90鈥檚 television mostly.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we鈥檒l be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
multitasking lunch
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”