Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.