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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me sliding into hell like
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share