Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Has there ever been a more American story?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.