My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Nice try, NASA
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.