Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.